Signs Of The 21st Century--Funny Jokes Jokes

SIGNS OF THE 21ST CENTURY

short jokes

-- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

-- You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach five people.

-- You chat several times a day with a Nigerian prince over e-mail, but you couldn't name your neighbor.

-- When paying a cashier, you only know how to respond to "credit or debit" -- what the hell is "cash"?

-- You think "music in the air" refers to free downloads.

-- You lose touch with any family member who doesn't have an email address.

-- Second-day delivery takes way too long.

-- You need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

- A "half day" means leaving at 5 p.m.

-- You find jokes on computers, not in books or word of mouth.

Blind Bunny Meets Blind Snake--Funny Jokes Jokes

BLIND BUNNY MEETS BLIND SNAKE

A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path.

"What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake.

"I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?"

So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!"

"Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?"

"I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?"

So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer!"

Defendant--Funny Jokes Jokes

Defendant

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. 

 "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, 

"You lying bastard!" 

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, 

"You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. 

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. 

 "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." 

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, 

" I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" 

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Bar Jokes--Funny Jokes Jokes

Bar Jokes

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. 

The bartender turns to him and says, 

"Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." 

The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. 

The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, 

"I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return." Dejected, the string returns home. 

All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. 

Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. 

The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, 

"I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar." 

The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, 

"No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

Bragging About Son Joke

Bragging About Son Joke

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, 

“Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. 

Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” 

“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. 

Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” 

“WELL!” Says Barbara 

“I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, 

“I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!” 

Blind Carpenter Joke--Funny Jokes Jokes

Blind Carpenter Joke

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out,

 "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" 

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." 

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." 

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." 

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. 

Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." 

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." 

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, 

"Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. 

He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, 

"This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, 

"Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. 

He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, 

"I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job. 

A Man's Logic--Funny Jokes Jokes

A MAN'S LOGIC

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. 

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, 

"Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." 

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, 

"OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

Joke About Memory--Funny Jokes Jokes

Joke About Memory

Let's read Bad Memory Jokes  about Jokes About Retirement, Memory Fun Facts

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, 

"Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" 

"Nonsense," says the husband, 

"I can remember a dish of ice cream." 

"Well," says the wife, 

"I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." 

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. 

"No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." 

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. 

The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, 

"Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"