HOWARD KREMER: MIDGETS LOVE PIZZA

We all know that midgets love pizza. That's what makes them so easy to kidnap. Here's what you do: you get a hot slice of pizza; you put it in the trunk of your car. You wait like five, 10 minutes, hide behind a tree, and that hungry little guy will come waddling by. As soon as they start eating, they actually become quite docile, OK? You can pet them, stroke them -- do whatever you want to do. Just be careful when they get down to the crust: that's when they become dangerous again; that's when you slam it shut. Congratulations... you got yourself a little person!